A Minor List of Concerning Game Flaws

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Ahewaz wrote:

So then I guess all items that say Extra Gore would be changed to Extra Sauce?

And that's how we get the Belly of the Beast, a few extra calories at a time.

The Marauding Warchef - Assorted Sidequests Edition
Not all the Marauder's exploits were of earth-shaking importance. Still, it is best to review all parts of the recipe, even the garnishes.

Turkey waved the Marauder over. "So we have a problem. I may have left a necromancer out in the sink, and it's started to turn brown."
"Can't you just clean it up?"
"I have very bad allergies."
The Marauder stared intently, noting that Turkey was indeed filled with at least two points of regret for his actions. "This is why no one comes to your restaurant. What if I were the inspector?"
"Yeah, we definitely got a one star review. They called our place a Fetid Pool."
The Marauder did indeed clean up Turkey's sinks, but the name stuck with the local populace.

Bestel was the local junkie's name, and he saw a kindred spirit in the Marauder, who also was not wearing a shirt.
"So my boat got totaled last night."
"Mine too."
"Yeah, but mine had some drugs in it."
"Medicine!" shouted Nessa, as if this made everything better.
"Medicine, yeah. Could you mind bringing it back to me?"
The Marauder pondered for a bit, but only relented when Nessa offered to throw in a Quicksilver flask. "These are legal, right?"
"I won't tell if you won't."

Upon hearing that the Marauder was heading over to Kuduku's for some real food, Turkey waved him over. "Could you get me a crab from his freezer? I'll pay."
"I've been cooking lots of crabs."
"Yeah, but this one's like... purple. As big as you are. It is real, and not imaginary." He drank more from his Hybrid Flask, at least until he forgot what he was saying.
When the Marauder came back, Turkey wondered where the crab was. "Did you get it?"
"Sorry, he was out."
"Darn."
The Marauder, of course, had already eaten Turkey's book of skill, but he neglected to mention this.

While browsing the seafood aisle, the Marauder came across a failed chef by the name of Fairgraves.
"Nice name."
"Thanks. Be careful if you go into the seafood challenge. They stole my lighter when I failed."
"Why did you fail?"
"I dunno. I got the best fishing rod and everything."
"You tried to defeat the mistress of seafood with a collector's item?"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time."
The Marauder eventually returned, having found Fairgraves' lighter.
"Oh sweet. Can I have it back?"
"Can I have a fishing rod for it?"
"Hah! Over my dead body."
"Yeah, that's kinda the idea."
And he threw meatballs at Fairgraves' face until he was dead. The fishing rod didn't drop though, which kinda put a damper on the whole thing.


Yeena waved the Marauder over. "So, I have a dog."
The Marauder glanced at the list of rules for Groot's Apartments. "No Pets" was pretty high on the list.
"Yeah, I keep him in a hole outside. Could you go feed him?"
The Marauder did, but neglected to mention the part where the dog perished from meatball overdose.
"Thanks. You can have his collar."
"I'm not a furry?"
"Oh please, it's got good mods."
The Marauder raised an eyebrow, but admitted that it did give better resists than his actual belt. Satisfied, the trade was completed.

Silk was loudly complaining to anyone who could hear that his ex had stolen his vintage Maligaro Brand Spear.
"I thought spears were illegal in Not-Australia."
"That's why it's so cool!"
The Marauder took some time to get it back, though it turned out the girlfriend was a spider all along.
"I have many questions," said the Marauder, but Silk gave him a skill gem under the table and told him to shut his gobhole. He did.

Yeena came back after a while, though thankfully she didn't say anything about the dog. "Okay okay this one will be good. So Geofri stole my bottle of perfume."
"What does a skeleton need with perfume?"
"He says it keeps him pure? I didn't ask. Anyway, I kinda need it back."
"Have you tried asking?"
"No. He lives in a crypt, with a bunch of spiders. Even I have standards, you know."
The Marauder nodded, even more so when Yeena promised him a jewel with flat mana regen. Inwardly, he hoped to one day be rich enough to have standards too, right before he put a metal cage on his head because it had nice mods.

"

SuperTaster wrote:

They might be bugs, they might be features, but there are many things that we can hope to agree are problems with the game.

* Despite it being their natural habitat, and having an abundance of barrels around, none of the skeletons in Axium Prison are found sleeping inside them. They must be very tired.

Defenders of Wood or Legion of Splinters?

"

SuperTaster wrote:

* In Act 2, if the Witch returns with Raise Specter, she is unable to raise the Vaal Oversoul as a pet, nor keep it in a little box.

Although GGG has not introduced flying broomsticks yet to Path of Exile, the Witch must still meet all FAA regulations, and the Vaal Oversoul's pet crate will not fit under the seat.

"

SuperTaster wrote:

* Dominus, despite being the self-proclaimed god emperor of known civilization, is 25 levels lower than a common street rat a few weeks later in the same town. It is possible that his Doryani's Fist is a cheap plastic knockoff, as he is far too low level to equip one.

Legacy version, like the old level 2 portal gems.

"

SuperTaster wrote:

* In Act 6, my 300+ Strength Marauder cannot simply pick up Nessa over his head and heft her back to Lioneye's Watch, nipping that questline in the bud.

If you look very closely, you will see that, like Fenchurch, Nessa's feet do not touch the ground. It's a temporal displacement issue, not a weight issue.

"

SuperTaster wrote:

* Past Act 6, when defeating gods like Tukohama that have fanatical followers, those followers do not run away screaming in terror at the fact that you murdered their deity.

They are like sports fans - the more you defeat their side, the more they despise you.

"

SuperTaster wrote:

* In Act 7, Yeena transforms into a fox, and not a hyena.

There is no Firehyena browser to enable this.

"

SuperTaster wrote:

* You are unable to write slogans on, or tie-dye, the Tabula Rasa T-shirt. One would expect this to be the natural outcome of Corrupting it.

R.G.? SvH?

Your questions, like Atziri on a trampoline, are interesting to consider.

"

SuperTaster wrote:

* In Act 7, Yeena transforms into a fox, and not a hyena.

They were all really good but this one made me lol because it took a second to click. Brilliant list and very well written.

"

GoldDragon32 wrote:

* The Templar repeatedly shouting 'Death to Sin', while actively pursuins Sin's instructions. This is not how you earn favor with someone.

Yeah i always pictured the convo as:

Sin: "You'll need to go clean out the Belly of the Beast and bring me its heart"
The Pantsless One: "Death to sin!"
Sin: "About that...can we stop shouting for my untimely end with every minor accomplishment? It's bad for morale."

"

GoldDragon32 wrote:

* The Maurader repeatedly dedicating his murders to Tukohama, potentially while murdering Tukohama or his followers.

I got the "For Tukohama" line once in Caldera. Not the boss, it was one of the "arms have morphed into crowbars" goons, but yeah.

Or "I give you to my ancestors."

*Little old white-haired granma sitting on lanai watching TV*
*refrigerated van arrives and unloads 3 boxes of frozen rhoa steaks*
Oh my, running out of room! *industrial freezer full of neatly butchered rare monsters of all types*

"

crunkatog wrote:

Or "I give you to my ancestors."

Most of the Marauder's battle yells can be interpreted as him being at a family get-together for Christmas.
"Go to Hinekora" is him yelling at a sibling to bother someone else.
"Return to Kitava" is him returning unwanted presents, like Shackles of the Wretched.
Etc.

Sidequests, Act 3
Hargan was the owner of the local pub, and he was pleased to learn of a roving chef like the Marauder.
"So there's this poet, Victario. Did lots of cool stuff, but before he made it big he wrote a lot of rap about women's busts."
"Con...gratulations?"
"I hear the ones that went platinum are still in the sewers."
"You want me to find his porn stash." The Marauder stared blankly at Hargan, wondering what had become of his life.
"It's not for me! I was just gonna sell it on poe.trade. You know, like all those other trash uniques you've found."
The Marauder had to admit that this had been funding his culinary exploits for some time. The busts, it turned out, were rather pleasing on the eye, though they did take up a lot of inventory space.

Maramoa was working the salad bar, and nodded at the Marauder. "I hear you have beef with the chefs of Oriath."
"They wouldn't let me roast beef. That's the problem."
"No worries. I hear the head chef's son, Gravycius, is in town."
"Isn't he the weasel that always parked in the handicap space?"
"That's the one. Cook him a meal he'll never forget."
Gravycius, it turned out, was trying to perfect a new way to deliver chicken nuggets. "I will rain them from the skies upon the heathens, without even cooking them first."
"You fiend!" cried the Marauder. "You're the reason they took chicken tenders off the menu!"
"Why cook fresh when you can reheat frozen?"
And the Marauder threw meatballs at his face until he was dead.

Fairgraves was back, though his ankle monitor wouldn't let him get far away from his boat.
"So my parole officer won't let me drink."
"That is probably for the best."
"Don't be like that. I found some bling lying around. I know you like shiny things."
"I usually just sell it to the vendor for alt shards."
"Ahh, but you see, I have a secret weapon. Turns out this quest is one of the league achievements."
"No!" cried the Marauder, and he weeped many tears.
"Yes. Better get lost in the hedge maze, or you'll never get that shiny new portal."
Days later, the Marauder returned, covered in porcupine quills and nursing a wicked hangover. "Here's your wine."
"Sweeeeet." Fairgraves took a long swig, completely forgetting that his parole officer was literally right behind him. "Oh. Oops."
And then he exploded, like most people did these days.

While searing for Fairgraves' booze, the Marauder came across Siosa, the head librarian.
"Rap battle's coming up this weekend."
"I am not a wordsmith. Usually I just shout the same 10 battle cries over and over."
"I can dig it," said Siosa. "But Bestel's gonna hand me my ass if I don't deliver. Could you get me some of the good lines from the basement? They're shiny and gold and hidden behind bosspacks, can't miss them."
"What would a librarian have to offer me?"
"Outlawed skill gems, the ones that were too spicy for mortal chefs. I can make your grill burn hotter, your marinade simmer clean."
"Not interested."
"Don't be like that. Here, a jukebox, Blasphemy brand. You can play sick tunes to your customers while you cook, instead of having to pause and cast it yourself."
The Marauder's eyes gleamed with childish delight, and he praised the patch that brought this into existence. "I shall see your victory this day, Siosa."
And they bumped fists, like bros. At least, they tried to, but being a ghost his hand went right through the Marauder's. Awkward.

Sidequests, Act 4
Kira, having seen the Marauder's noble quest, gave him a holler.
"Hey, if you see Deshret down in the basement, tell her to come home? The girls and I are worried."
"What happened?"
"She left a few weeks ago to play Diablo 2, never came back. There's lots of monsters in the mountain, but only one has attacks that aren't from Path of Exile."
"I see." The Marauder checked, and indeed only one matched this description, even though the others were Really Weird. A man made of hands. A bat that cried like a horse. A burning man addict who couldn't admit that the festival was over.
"Hey Deshret. Your mom says to log off."
"I can't! Just watch. He'll drop the gear I need if I just run it one more time..."
"If you die in hardcore, you die in real life."
"That's what you think! I'll jus-"
But the Marauder had already pulled the plug.

Long ago, before the Marauder moved to Oriath, Kaom's was the best pizza place in town. He was dismayed to find that it had gone a little downhill.
Dogs made of fire entirely ran throughout the restaurant. The women wore neither shirt nor shoes, but still got service. And Kaom was in the back, sipping his coffee. "This is fine." he said, as if he believed it.
"What happened to you, old man? You used to make the best. Pan Pizza, with Pepperoni and Pineapple."
"Phhhbt. It's all about the combo meals now. I'll sell you ribs, I'll sell you breadsticks without the cheese. And you'll get a sweet deal if you promise to order online."
And the Marauder struck him down in such anger that it formed a little quest artifact.

Back at the Not-A-Cockroach, Dialla was pleased with Kaom's remains. "Not bad. We could put this in a stew or something."
"It's what he would have wanted."
"Really?"
"No."
"Anyway, I need some other ingredients. Daresso, the guy who works the Sonic. He's got some secret sauce."

Daresso loudly proclaimed that the secret sauce was LOVE.
"I regret everything. Please tell me you washed your hands."
"Of course. We're civil here. Where have you been that people don't wash their hands before cooking?"
The Marauder thought to answer, but that would take a very, very long time.
"Anyway, have you seen my babe? Merveille. Nice lady, good singer."
"I made seafood with her a week ago."
"Neat."
"No, like... I made seafood. With her. She was delicious."
"...how dare you."
And they fought passionately, maddeningly, until Daresso fell into a turkey-coma and spilled out his secret sauce. "Awkward." said the Marauder, but he wasn't going to complain.

Dialla threw it in the pot all the same. "So this recipe is really good. My ex made it. Needs one last ingredient, and then it'll really light things up."
"Please no more fetch quests."
"Oh no, we have the ingredient right here. It's the soul of a chef."
"One two three not it."
"Not... dangit."
And Dialla carefully lowered herself into the pot. "I'm not so sure about this anymore."
"This is for the future of cooking."
And she made the most wonderful Laser Stew.
"Ow. That smarts."
"Was it worth it?"
"...yeah. I think it was."

Sidequests, Act 5
Vilenta was the master of the Punk Rebellion Radio Tower. "Hey, you're the mountain-heart chef. We did a program about you not too long ago."
"It is good to be recognized."
"Yeah, well tell your dark chef buddies to stop mucking up the place. They made me leave my radio back at the station."
"Why?"
She sipped some eggnog and rambled strange nonsense about people having poor taste. The Marauder understood, though he haggled with her on the subject until she was willing to give him a book of skill. Anything to satisfy the cravings.
"Is this your radio?" Miasmeter brand, able to reach Not-Australia all the way from Not-New-Zealand.
"Totes! Thanks a bunch."
The Marauder thought to respond, but then Vilenta started hugging her radio and the whole thing became awkward. He dashed for the door as "It's Not Unusual" began blaring over the speakers. This would be his fault somehow, he knew it.

Bannon frowned at the Marauder, after everything had gone to heck. "Utula raised the dark chef."
"I told him not to! Like... twice."
"Clearly not loud enough. Punch him in the face for me, will you?"
"I prefer to use meatballs. More sophisticated, elegant and refined."
"Whatever man, just make sure he doesn't do it again."

The Marauder found Utula spraypainting KITAVA RULES on the side of the requilary. "Check it out. If you angle the S like this it looks really cool."
"You have brought dishonor to the name of cooking."
"No man, it'll be sweet. We're gonna work in Kitava's kitchen now, and no Oriath hygiene inspector can keep us down."
"I am the inspector."
"Bullshit. You can't just say a one-liner without whipping out sunglasses. It takes a true rebel to run Oriath's cuisine, like me!"
And the Marauder threw meatballs at his face until he was dead.

The Marauder returned from the requilary, bearing the tools of Kitava's downfall. Lani didn't seem convinced though.
"So there's a problem."
"What? I have the sweet tooth of Tukohama, the stickyhand of Hinekora, and the spatula of Valako."
"Yeah, but they clearly assemble to make a flail? Flails and whips were outlawed by GGG when the world was first created. They're not real."
"Well damn. Now what?"
"I guess we sell it on poe.trade?"
And the Marauder ate his book of skill in silence.

Sidequests, Act 6/7
Lily Roth, unlike most of the others at the Lioneye's Watch, knew how to hold her liquor. The Marauder was impressed, up until the point where she told him that she was only into boats.
"So I tried to get into the Twilight Strand club last night. You know what they said?"
"Go home, you're drunk?"
"Ha, no. They said that it was an undead-only establishment. So, I got a plan. It doesn't even involve murder!"
The Marauder raised an eyebrow, and Lily gesticulated. "Okay maybe a little murder. Does it count if they're already dead?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Well, this is awkward. Look, do you want to shop at my gemstore or not?"
The Marauder pondered, but this really was the only good way to get off-class gems, especially when the trade servers were down. If dozens of zombies had to re-die for his happiness, so be it.

Bestel was doing his best T-Pose, when he thought no one was looking.
"What are you doing?"
"Practicing my Jesus cosplay. Put on a Tabula Rasa and a Martyr's Crown, no one will tell the difference."
"That seems blasphemous."
"Oh yeah! Blasphemy with Enfeeble to weaken the competition, good call."
The Marauder kinked his head sideways, but didn't really see it.
"Anyway, so Siosa kicked my butt at the rap battle last weekend. I need to up my game. Had a few good lines I was working on, before the boat crashed."
"Can't you just rewrite them?"
"Yeah, but paying chefs like you to do fetch quests is pretty funny. That's how you know you've Made It in life, you know?"
The Marauder did not know, as he was usually on the losing end of these exchanges. Also he was poor, having spent all his fusing orbs only for the item to split 3-3. Alas.

Upon reaching Phrecia, the Marauder learned that his taxi driver was called Mr. Ahoy.
"Why is that?"
"Because sometimes, if I'm in a good mood, I'll say AHOY in a funny voice."
The Marauder had to admit it was amusing.
"Anyway, I had a party with the skeletons last night. They're pretty chill, as long as you're undead."
"Can we skip to the part where you need something incredibly petty from me?"
"Oh yeah! So I had this necklace, silver, very shiny. Wasn't there when I woke up! Could you check the skeleton castle and see where I left it?"
The Marauder agreed, but only because this was in the direction he was going anyway. Mr. Ahoy offered some booze, but it was the fruity evasion kind rather than a proper basalt flask.

Helena was filching through Groot's things, when she tossed a necklace of glowsticks at the Marauder. "You can have it."
"I don't want it. It doesn't even have mods on it."
"Give it to Groot's folks then. Maybe it means something to them."
Groot's folks, it turned out, were skeletons, and they did not want the necklace. "Nyaaa" they declared, in their best skeletor voice.
"Look just take it. It's filling up my inventory."
They fought bitterly, but it was an NPC's lot in life to take random junk off the hero's hands.

Mr. Ahoy waved the Marauder over again. "So this boat's pretty sweet."
"You did drive us here in it, yes."
"But what it really needs is a GPS."
"There is no way this South American analogue civilization has invented a GPS."
"Ah, but that's where you're wrong. See, the Vaal were really big on procedurally generated buildings. You've been in them, haven't you?"
The Marauder sighed, and nodded grimly when Mr. Ahoy added "Gotten lost in them?"
"So yeah, they were the ones who invented mapping as well, but sometimes you just really need a good magical guide. I'm sure you'll find one in the causeway."
It was, remarkably, on the way to Silk's pad. The only difficulty was discerning where that was, as the Marauder made many a wrong turn and enjoyed scenic views of nothing at all. "How can a civilization live like this?!"
"They didn't. That's why they're all dead."