A Minor List of Concerning Game Flaws

love it

This thread was delicious!

10/10. Felt concerned.

Well done! What a pleasant break from the norm.

Very well done. I love the pratchett vibe so much. Bravo.

good job , exile ...

The Marauding Warchef - Old Masters Edition
In an older, less well-rendered timeline, the Marauder met with a different cast of allies on his quest. These are their stories.

Haku, master of the Bar, waved the Marauder over.
"So I've got these friends, and they had a really good time, but they're too drunk to drive home. Can you carry them back?"
"Why are all your patrons ghosts?"
"Well," said Haku, "That is why the drinks are called... spirits."
And the Marauder knew he had found a friend.

Elreon, master of the Bong was next.
"So I've got a pretty great idea for some mana cost gear."
"Excellent! What's the secret ingredient?"
"Souls!"
"..."
"50 of them, to be exact. Could you get them into the bong so we can smoke them together?"
And the Marauder decided to buy his mana cost gear from Jun instead. The quality was a bit less, and the recipes harder to find, but it didn't have that concerning Vaal aftertaste.

Tora was the proprietor of the Dank Den, in the High Gardens.
"I've heard you're really good at cooking the wildlife."
"They are very tasty."
"So a bunch of animals got into my stash, and I kinda need to get the mushrooms back out."
"...how corrupted are we talking?"
"Only a little."
The koalas raged and seethed at being called small, right before they exploded into puddles of caustic goop.
"...okay maybe a lot."

Catarina, master of the Shiskebab was next.
The Marauder was just about done by now, and the concerning stench wasn't helping. "Oh no. What's your personal problem?"
"I'm building a meat popsicle!"
O.o
"<.<"
"...look sometimes these things just happen, okay?"
And the Marauder handed her over to the police.

Vegan, master of the Romantic Dinner waved excitedly at the Marauder from the other end of the bar.
"Come, let me bend your ear for a moment!"
"Eww no. We haven't even dated."
"Don't be like that exile. Let's see you knock me on my arse, right quick!"
And the Marauder handed him over to the police.

Vorici poked his head out from under his pile of fusing orbs.
"So I have some people that need to die."
"I've been told my meatballs are to die for, yes."
"But before they actually fall over, I want you to run around and shout 'neener neener I'm not touching you.'"
The marauder stared blankly. "What does that have to do with being an assassin?"
"It's fun!"
And the Marauder went to go farm his fusing orbs somewhere else.

Zana came back from her shopping trip, satisfied that the Marauder had done a good pet-sitting job for the Untainted Paradise... Animal... Shelter...
"Where are all the animals?!"
"I ate them! It was a good experience."
"...you had one job!"
"Look sometimes these things just happen, okay?"
And Zana never spawned another Untainted Paradise map ever again.

The Marauding Warchef - Assorted Enemies Edition
Perhaps, if you get the Marauder really drunk, he will tell you stories of some of his lesser foes. These are their stories.

While trying to find his way back from Groot's pad, the Marauder came across three bandits all fighting over their food.
"I want it!" shouted Alira.
"Why should I give it to you?"
"Because in return, I will give you stamina unimaginable. When your meatballs strike true, they will strike with extra zest and spice!"
But the Marauder preferred a Resolute Technique to cooking, and his cuisine was fueled by blood, so he had to pass.

"I want it!" shouted Kraitlyn.
"And what can you teach me?"
"I can tell you how to cook for Drive-Thrus, to-go orders, and other speedy meals!"
But the Marauder preferred to tank his meals rather than damage them over time, and so he left Kraitlyn alone and sad in the rain.

"I want it!" shouted Oak.
"I do not feel I have anything to learn from you."
"Don't be like that! I can give you passives that you can already collect from the tree, in case you want more!"
And so the Marauder went back to Groot's pad in a huff.

Eramir chugged a measure of wine, and proudly told the Marauder "Well if you don't want it, I could sell it on poe.trade for a book of skill, maybe even two!"
"Do I want to know who would be buying it?"
"Probably not, no."
And so the Marauder ate his books of skill in solitude.

Poking around Hargan's basement, the Marauder came across a giant robot. The robot was named Izaro, and he spoke of being a cooking master.
"You're a pretty large robot. Is it hard to get out into town like that?"
"...yes. Yes it is."
The Marauder took pity on Izaro, and cooked him and his pet Argus a fabulous three-course meal. So moved by this gesture of kindness, Izaro declared the Marauder to be a true Cheftain, and bequeathed him the secret of habanero spicing.
"Come back when you have learned more, and I will share even more secret techniques."
"Why not now?"
"Padding."

Trying to find a good alternative to Jun's bizarre mystery meats, the Marauder happened upon Cavas. The old man was very confused, but he seemed to have a nice blender for rent.
"Just throw the stuff in there, and you'll get something maaaagical."
"Can I tell what I'll get?"
"Ha! No. That's no fun!"
And the Marauder decided to come back next league instead.

I am offended by the following omissions:

* The Templar repeatedly shouting 'Death to Sin', while actively pursuins Sin's instructions. This is not how you earn favor with someone.

* The Maurader repeatedly dedicating his murders to Tukohama, potentially while murdering Tukohama or his followers.

"

SuperTaster wrote:

"

caboom wrote:

Also, Path of Exile can be readily adapted to a PG Family Friendly tale by replacing all the blood with spaghetti, and framing it as the Marauder's quest to become the greatest chef ever.

So then I guess all items that say Extra Gore would be changed to Extra Sauce?