A Minor List of Concerning Game Flaws

They might be bugs, they might be features, but there are many things that we can hope to agree are problems with the game.

* Goats and Goatmen have the same chance to drop Goat Horns as non-goat creatures, and indeed do not react with alarm when you wield the horns of their friends against them.
* Much of Wraeclast's cultural degradation can be traced back to the bewildering names that children were given. Who calls their kid Gorestench the Unclean? Not a parent of the year, clearly.
* Despite it being their natural habitat, and having an abundance of barrels around, none of the skeletons in Axium Prison are found sleeping inside them. They must be very tired.
* In Act 2, if the Witch returns with Raise Specter, she is unable to raise the Vaal Oversoul as a pet, nor keep it in a little box.
* The "Undying" die a lot. Faster than most non-undying creatures, in fact.
* In Act 3, despite clearly keeping it preserved for posterity after countless patches, the Not-A-Door of the Lunaris Temple is not marked on any maps, and indeed has no tourism advertising at all.
* Dominus, despite being the self-proclaimed god emperor of known civilization, is 25 levels lower than a common street rat a few weeks later in the same town. It is possible that his Doryani's Fist is a cheap plastic knockoff, as he is far too low level to equip one.
* The ancient Vaal civilization fell not because of corruption or madness, but because they got lost in their procedurally generated buildings. Enjoy, as the Causeway wanders across the river to Nowhere in Particular!
* In Act 6, my 300+ Strength Marauder cannot simply pick up Nessa over his head and heft her back to Lioneye's Watch, nipping that questline in the bud.
* Past Act 6, when defeating gods like Tukohama that have fanatical followers, those followers do not run away screaming in terror at the fact that you murdered their deity.
* In Act 7, Gruest does not say "WAT" upon dying.
* In Act 7, Yeena transforms into a fox, and not a hyena.
* In Act 8, none of the Solaris fanatics wear sunglasses.
* In Act 8, the Lunaris Fanatics, despite having come up with a miracle Spaghetti Remover for all the Spaghetti Sauce in their temple, do not attempt to market this to the rest of Wraeclast, despite there being a wide market for such stain/gore removal.
* In Act 9, the Spaghetti Aqueduct has too much sauce, and not enough noodles/meatballs.
* Kitava never attempts to duct tape his gaping chest wound closed, or at least put on a shirt.
* The Templar does not gain Pants as a reward for saving the world.
* None of the townsfolk ship the exiles with other townsfolk.
* You are unable to write slogans on, or tie-dye, the Tabula Rasa T-shirt. One would expect this to be the natural outcome of Corrupting it.

I love it.

Disaster is easy,
Comedy is hard!

You succeeded Sir. My sides are splitting!

Nice TMBGs tap on your nic. Saw them in 1987 in Del Mar.

That was awesome. Really well written. Hope you do more.

That is some seriously funny shit.
'Specially about rescuing Nessa.

nice, dont forget exiles arent very good at finding a hideout, everyone knows where they are and like to hang in there more time than you do.

"

caboom wrote:

nice, dont forget exiles arent very good at finding a hideout, everyone knows where they are and like to hang in there more time than you do.

It's really more of a clubhouse.

Also, Path of Exile can be readily adapted to a PG Family Friendly tale by replacing all the blood with spaghetti, and framing it as the Marauder's quest to become the greatest chef ever.

He starts on the shores of Not-Australia, kicked out of culinary school for being unable to put on a Simple Robe. "I can't wrap my head around this", he says, and the chefs look at each other in fear.

Having gathered some utensils(made of glass), he proceeds to try to teach the locals the mystical art of the Meatball Strike, a powerful move that summons 3 meatballs every time you stab someone.
...it's not the nicest of dishes, but he's working on it.

The cannibals really aren't into meatballs, and the undead just don't taste right. Finally, he comes across Kuduku, who bequeaths him a meat tenderizer.
"Quecholli!" says Kuduku.
"Gesundheit!" says the Marauder.

This serves him reasonably well, up until the course on seafood. For reasons unknown, mastering the art of seafood involves fighting the seafood itself to assert dominance. Merveille is cooked into a lovely pasta with spectral seasoning, and he proceeds into the jungles.

Einhar is a kindred spirit, who only wishes to cook the wildlife and turn them into items. The marauder isn't sure how you eat armor, but then again he is a large shirtless man with 1-5 glass bottles affixed directly into his bloodstream, and so he really doesn't have much room to talk.

Alas, his attempts to browse the ancient Vaal culinary school end up breaking the lights. He has to go all the way to the hidden temple to find the power breaker, which is strangely hidden inside a giant monster. He turns the monster into meatballs, because what else are you going to do?

Sarn isn't quite the culinary masterpiece it was hyped to be, though. The crematorium is fixated on cooking rock candy instead of tasty rhoa burgers, and the marauder is sure that Not-A-Cockroach is not exactly the best name for a deli. Dialla insists though, so he gathers ingredients for her, usually through murder. Upon meeting his cooking rival Dominus, they have a cooking battle atop the great tower. Dominus cooks with flare and style, the Touch of God he calls it. But the Marauder's time-honed meatball pasta is far too adept, especially when summoning Ancestral Warchefs to increase the noodles per second.

Act 4 arrives, and Dialla has returned. "Did you see the pasta emporium in Sarn?"
"Yes", the Marauder admits, "but it was full of people swimming in it and that's very unhygenic". He intends to make a restaurant that people can sit down in, without having to ascribe to world-shattering ideals of nightmare to eat.
Oh! You want Highgate, it's just down the river here.
He goes there, though much like the Crematorium they're focused on rock candy. There are a few spices(vile toxins) and dramatic techniques(multistrike) to mix things up though.
The problem, the Marauder assumes, is a lack of good meat. He will go inside the mountain, carve out its heart, and make a meal of it.
"That's not how mountains work!" cry the townsfolk. But the Marauder has never let this stop him before.

It turns out the mountain does have a heart, though some other guy called Malachi wants to cook it first. They have a proud cooking battle at the center of the mountain, but the Marauder wins with a spicy dish cooked from Malachi's own body parts. Unable to win on such an empty stomach, he explodes into so much marinara.

"You should probably go," says Oyun. The marauder, covered in the spices of the ancient mountain heart, does not understand why. The birds float around his head, wondering if he is food. He is not. He is the one that food wishes to be.
Still, he travels up the mountain in search of enlightenment, only to find a way back to his old culinary school. This will be fun! He can meet all his old friends, and show them what he has learned.

His old friends, it turns out, are wretched and groveling in the mud. They were not allowed in culinary school either, and he will have to end this unjust regime. Lo, the great dark chef Kitava lives under Oriath, and we will raise him to smite the unbelievers.
"No", says the Marauder. "We only need to stop the oppression of the culinary arts. That way lies madness. Ranch dressing on pizza. Cole slaw as a main course. There is only destruction in Kitava's kitchen."
"Darn." says Utula, and he totally promises not to raise Kitava. The Marauder believes him, because he is a dunderhead.

The Marauder defeats the evil chef of Oriath, only to find out that he was totally copying the notes of INNOCENCE, CHEF OF THE BEGINNING. They battle, but the Marauder wins because he already fought most of his dishes like 2 minutes ago.
Innocence' emo brother, SIN, declares the cooking battle in the Marauder's favor by curbstomping his brother's head.
"Why?"
"I always wanted to do that."
The Marauder had to admit it did make a funny popping sound.

Meanwhile, the ground shakes, and horrible demons swarm over the city.
"Utuuuulaaa..."
"You know how you said not to do the thing?"
"Yesss..."
"...I did the thing."
"..."
"In my defense it was really fun!"

SuperTaster, you are a genius :) Love it :D