Hardlicker? (Happy Ending?)

Hardlicker surveyed the pile of luggage they had collected and spotted his bag. It wasn't hard. His was the only bag that was simply a black luggage bag. The rest were various shades of puke and skin disease that he really didn't feel like touching. Afraid of what he might find, he ordered Daemon to do it. After rolling his eyes and dragging his feet the whole three steps to the first bag, Alex opened it and a large black snake bit him on the hand!
“Ah, I think it was poisonous.” Daemon said after closing the snake back up in the bag.
“How do you know?” Vakirauta asked, reaching for the bag to double check it.
“Because when I put it in the bag before I left, I was warned that it was poisonous.” He said as his face swelled and his nose fell off.
“Can I have it?” Vakirauta asked, but Daemon had already dropped dead.
“Step away from the bag dumbass.” Ordered Hardlicker. He had to stop Lachdanan too.
“I just wanted to pet it!” Lachdanan protested, but Hardlicker grabbed the bag and threw it back into the ocean. It landed close to Hostilesinbound standing waist deep.
“Hostilesinbound! What are you doing?” He hollered.
“I was just getting a better look at this huge fish. It has tiger like stripes on it!” He yelled back before the water turned red where he had been standing a moment before.
“One less mouth to feed.” Hardlicker said to himself and waved the gun at MoonYu to open another bag. But there was a huge explosion off in the distance that Doom and Nithryok had gone. Then up in the sky came a smoking shape hurdling at them. Nithryok's head, or what was left of it stared back at them as it came to a rest in the sand.
“Hey! I think I know where we are!” Xpire offered.
“And just where would that be?” Hardlicker had a hard time believing one of these moron know anything useful.
“This is that island that the Navy uses to practice shore bombardment. Lots of unexploded shells here!” He said smiling.
“And that makes you happy?” Hardlicker asked.
“Wow, way to piss on my parade jerk.” Xpire said and stomped off down the beach. After about a hundred yards he turned to yell a snappy comeback, but another shell went off and his body vanished in a bright red mist.
“Great leadership Hardlicker.” MoonYu quipped and stuck his tongue out. Hardlicker thought for a moment and nodded to himself. The bullet went right through MoonYu's left eye and out the back of his head. Again everyone applauded.
“At this rate, I'll be alone in no time.” He thought and that made him smile. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all.
“I found a octopus!” Pavshaus said and ran towards the others, but he tripped. When He stood back up, the small, white with blue dots octopus was stuck to his face. “I don't feel so well.” He said.
“I know what to do!” Yelled Vakirauta. “Rub a jellyfish on it!” Hardlicker was going to stop him, but it didn't matter. Pavshaus was already dead and with any luck, Vakirauta would pick a poisonous jellyfish and take care of another problem quickly.

I'm not going to bother to fix it just so it can slowly destroy your brain!

Hardlicker looked around. Where the fuck were the rest of them? “Boem where's Whale?”
“How should I know? The fucker got into my bag and found my special aspirin.” He said and kicked at the sand.
“What do you mean special?” Hardlicker asked. He was tempted to not ask. Epsilon was already a strange person that made him uneasy.
“Well, I had bought some stuff from this guy and he said it was perfectly legal and I thought why not?” Boem looked around some and then pointed to the tree line. Hardlicker looked, but saw nothing.
“Give me back my aspirin!” Screamed Boem as he raced to the trees. Hardlicker finally figured it out. Whale was standing on top of one of the Palm trees flapping his arms.
“Whale!” He yelled, “What the fuck?” He sighed and started walking after Boem. Boem had made it to the bottom of the tree and was kicking at it, screaming at Whale. Whale didn't seems to care even to noticed.
“I'm an Eagle!” He screeched and with his arms straight out, launched himself off of the Palm. Straight down on top of Boem. Hardlicker cringed at the sound of Boem's small frame being crushed under Whale's larger frame.
“This is not how I imagined my vacation would be.” He said to himself as he tried to pull Whale's body off of Boem's.
“What I wold like to know is where are the babes?” Asked Lachdanan from right behind him.
“Eh?” Hardlicker responded. He had an idea and started dragging the bodies down to the beach.
“It's just that the hero is suppose to be saved at the end with the chick that is too cute and cuddly to begin with that ends up being a hardass killing machine at the end.” He said not helping Hardlicker at all.
“You know this isn't a movie and that it's just you and me left.” He pointed out. He stopped for a moment, but Lachdanan still didn't offer to help.
“I'm not going to be your bitch.” He said and stomped away. Hardlicker watched him move off and wondered how Lachdanan was going to die, but he made it back to his chair he made out of the fat couple unharmed.
It took several hours of effort, some of the dead weren't exactly in shape, but Hardlicker managed to arrange them so that they almost spelled out HELP in big letters. He stood there wondering how was he going to finish the P? He looked over the bodies, but really didn't feel like starting over and finding out where he could finish it proper.
“Way to go genius.” Lachdanan said finally over Hardlicker taking his chair. “HELF. What's that suppose to mean?” He sneered and laughed as he started back to the tree line. The shot rang out and Lachdanan dropped to his knees. “Forgot about the gun.” He said before falling over dead.
“And one bullet to spare.” Hardlicker said to himself. He dragged lachdanan's still warm body over and finished the P. Then he went and sat down and waited for nightfall.

Just before dusk, Hardlicker thought he could hear something in the distance. He stood up and walked to the waterline and peered out into the fading sunlight. Was that dot moving? He stood amazed as a helicopter approached and he moved to give it room to land! He had to shield his eyes from the sand flying around, but was excited to be rescued!
The crew of the Helicopter motioned for him to come in low and he ran to the craft and the arms helped pull him up.
“Any other survivor's a woman's voice yelled to him. He shook his head and the helicopter took off and headed back out to sea.
“I thought I would never get off that island alive!” He screamed over the sound of the rotors. The crew members in the back took off their helmets and he was pleasantly surprised that they both were very attractive young women. One of them handed him a headset and he was able to talk normally again.
“We glad we found you.” Said the Redhead.
“Not as glad as I am, but what are you doing out here?” He asked.
“We're the Tropics Sunscreen Models and Professional Aviators Club. Our all female whiskey cruise was passing close to the island and we knew that a plane had gone down near here, so we gave it a chance.” Said the Blonde.
“Must have been an awful ordeal.” Said the Redhead. “We'll fix you up as soon as we get back to the ship.”
“You know, I could use a drink.” Hardlicker said and smiled. Maybe this vacation was going to be pretty good after all!