Rygar

Rygar walked along the beaten path. Suddenly a little turtle thing came at him. Rygar struck it with his yo yo and suddenly he realized, 'I AM MORE TONED'.

He checked his bicep, and indeed, it was very toned. Then another little turtle thing came at him and he struck it again. This time it died in only one blow.

That evening when he came home his wife realized how toned he was and ravaged him thoroughly. He was very grateful for getting more toned.

But suddenly a guy with a lion head broke through his door and started shooting fireballs at him. His wife was incinerated instantly and he had to jump over the fireballs to get close enough to hit the lion head guy with his yo yo. It was an epic battle until the lion head guy exploded.

"I need to go see the fat man on the mountain", he said to himself as he trecked towards the mountain and climbed up some ropes.

He entered the chamber and heard an eerie music.

"Welcome my son, I have been waiting for you", the man said. He was very fat and his head was enormous.

"What secrets do you have for me", Rygar asked.

"This secret you must take to your grave, but I will tell it to you assuming you die today", the fat man said.

"Get on with it."

"In the 'Gran Mountain' lies the entrance to 'Garloz'."

"What the fuck is Garloz", Rygar queried, quite confused.

"It is in the 'Gran Mountain'"

"Where the hell is that?"

"It is where you will find the entrance to 'Garloz'"

"Fuck you old man."

"Go now, my son, find the entrance to 'Garloz' in the 'Gran Mountain'. There is no time to waste."

Rygar suddenly become more toned through the intensity of his annoyance and lept for the old man, swinging his yo yo wildly. But there was a pit and he misjudged the distance. This was the last anyone ever saw of Rygar.

The posters had a picture of the shirtless warrior and they were strewn all about town. The unfortunate fate of Mrs. Rygar was well known, but what had happened to the man himself, nobody knew for sure.

He had been a notable figure in the town, a strong warrior, a toned weight lifter. He was missed for all these reasons and more.

It was four days later that the weird turtle things started rolling in to town, and when they did, all hell broke loose. Few of the villagers could jump high enough to bounce off their backs, and next to none had yo yo's of their own. Without Rygar's well toned physique there was little the townsfolk could do but flee for their lives.

As the refugees traveled west, questions flew through the air. Who was this strange lion head man and why had he been so intent on killing Rygar? And if he had succeeded, where was the body. No, Rygar had to be out there somewhere.

"We need a team", said Mcdowel, the mayor of their now abandoned town, "To seek out the whereabout of Rygar and bring him home. He is the only hero to truly master the battle yo yo. He is the one that must revenge our town and bring us salvation. Who will travel to find him?"

"I will go. Rygar was a friend, and I owe him that much", came a voice from the crowd.

"Show yourself noble volunteer!"

With this a very very fat shirtless man walked out of the crowd.

The mayor smiled, he had hoped this man would volunteer. There was a cheer from the crowd.

"Very good, Karnov, I was hoping you would be up to the task. Now who will be on his team?"

So many hands flew up at that moment. There were women and children and men all bolstered by the sight of their villages second best champion.

"Excellent!", the mayor shouted, "Tonight we dine and rest, tomorrow you shall begin your noble quest!"

Karnov looked over the box in his lavoratory. He hadn't had to use his power ups in a very long time. Rygar had always been adept at keeping this town safe. He hated to admit it to himself, but he was afraid. Did he still have what it took to do battle against the forces of evil?

But this was a friend, possibly in need, and for Rygar he would gladly lay down his life.

He opened the box and grabbed several power ups including a long retractable ladder, boots, wings, and a giant letter K. Most importantly he grabbed his 7000 pack of matches and the bottle of 200 proof liquor that allowed him to spew fire at great distances.

Back in his hay day as a circus act, he never would have guessed how all these little tricks would come to serve him as the hero he would eventually become. Who can say why fate weaves the way it does, he supposed. With determination, he stuffed the powerups in his pack and made way out the door.

He was somewhat alarmed to see the smiling faces of over twenty townsfolk begin to cheer as he emerged.

"Karnov! Take me with you! I can jump three feet at least!"

"No Karnov, I am best for this team! I make healing potions!"

"Pick me! I make a mean noodle stew!"

Karnov looked at the shining faces and sighed. He had forgotten the headaches that came with heroing.

Suddenly in the distance there was a flash of light as something fell from the sky and crashed just outside the gates. Everyone turned in awe before hustle and bustle of conversation broke out.

As the people rounded the bend to where the light had fallen they saw what appeared to be a winged man down on one knee in an epic pose. He was holding a bow and arrow, and more strangely, he had wings and a halo. The man couldn't have been more than 18, possibly less, based on outward appearances.

"Who are you, stranger?"

The man looked up with calculating eyes and surveyed the surroundings. Moments later, seemingly appeased with what he saw, he got to both feet and addressed the group.

"I am the angel they call Icarus. Your legends may tell that I am the one who slew the evil Medusa many years ago. I come baring grave news."

"THE Icarus?", Karnov was taken aback, "What could possibly be so grave as to require your presence?"

"I bring a message from the one you know as Rygar."

"You know where Rygar is??"

"Rygar is dead."

"What??"

"He died seeking a noble mission, but he did not live to finish his journey. His soul weeps as none I have ever seen, and between the sobs we managed to decipher a message most dire."

Karnov was still in a state of stunned disbelief. Rygar was dead? How could it be? The man had been a champion among champions and now this undeniable angel was telling him that Rygar was dead!

"Angel - Icarus.. please tell me. How did my friend meet his end?"

Icarus paused a moment, considering his words, "The riddle of the message drove him to madness I'm afraid. It is a message that few could comprehend while retaining their sanity. Before I pass it along to you, it is essential that we ensure the strength of your will."

"My will is prefect. Tell me the message angel!"

"In the 'Gran Mountain' lies the entrance to 'Garloz'."

Karnov stared blankly, "umm.. what's a Garloz?"

"This is the thing your friend sought to seek. Garloz is not familiar to man or angel, but our records do contain a few references to this 'Gran Mountain'", Icarus pulled a little parchment from his waistpack, "Look here, it is a map of the old world"

Karnov moved closer and studied the map. Many of the shapes were quite familiar to him, but many things upon it were named very differently, but nowhere on the map was a Gran Mountain.

"I don't see it."

"Think not what you don't see, but instead, think about what you DO see"

Karnov drew closer to the map, this wasn't making much sense, but in the light of meeting an angel he figured he could suspend his disbelief a little further. He reached out and grabbed the map from Icarus's hand and held it up to the shining sun. Still confuzled, he began to rotate it to get a different perspective. And that's when he saw it.

"It's a trick! An illusion!"

"Exactly", the angel laughed, "Now you are starting to understand."

"This map isn't a birds eye view at all. When you turn it this way.. its.. a cut out section. A side view of a part of land. But where is the line it represents? And still more, where is this Gran Mountain?"

"Do you see these four cities? They are the key to the map. See how they line up with each other quite perfectly? Now study the names."

Karnov looked closer, "Golland.. Restitution.. Abellsioth and New Getysburg... G R A N.. my god. It's a code!"

"And a legend", Icarus said as he drew his finger across the four cities, "The line made by these four cities becomes our axis, and when you flip it like this... the protrusion upon which they reside becomes Gran Mountain. This is where our journey must take us."

Karnov handed the map back to Icarus and spoke, "I've never heard of any of those cities."

"That's because every one of them was destroyed when Gran Mountain was summoned from the earth some five hundred years ago by the dark magus known as Magus. Some say he was driven to madness by bullies who mocked his name, but none can know for sure. Over time, origins of the mountain were forgotten, as was its significance", Icarus put the map away, "Even we angels know little of what lies inside - but we can feel it - deep within us. The name Garloz calls out with a significance that dwarfs anything we have seen in millenia."

"Why was Rygar so intent on getting there?"

"For that answer we must seek the last man that saw him alive - the fat man on the mountain. Will you journey with me?"

Immediately Rygar dropped his pack, thrust his hand in, and pulled out his wing power up, "Lead the way, Icarus my friend!"

The townsfolk were dissapointed that nobody got to be on the team, but it was for the best as none of them would be able to keep up with the two flying men. There were brief farewells before the man and angel took to the sky towards the old mans mountain. They flew for what seemed like hours. Then they realized they were going in the wrong direction.

"!@#$ sake."

They finally managed to backtrack and eventually made it to the mountain that was like five minutes away from where they had originated. They both landed outside old mans door and could hear the eerie music playing from within.

Karnov hated that music and cursed, "I wish I knew where that music comes from."

"Old men in mountains have secrets not even angels can comprehend, we must hurry", Icarus said as he walked in the door.

The old man looked down on them from his big cylindrical platform. The platform was surrounded on all sides by a deep pit. Karnov had always wondered what the man did when he had to eat or crap. Putting his annoyance aside, he looked up at the old man as he had several times before.

"Old man, I trust you have been well."

The old man chuckled, "I am at my prime young Karnov, when adventurers come to seek my advise. Are you here to know a secret?"

"Garloz lies within Gran Mountain.. we already know", Karnov rushed the topic.

The old man continued unabated, "In the 'Gran Mountain' lies the entrance to 'Garloz'."

"We know! That's not why were are here."

"If you do not seek 'Garloz', which is in the 'Gran Mountain', then what business could you possibly have being here?"

Icarus stepped up to the front and took a turn speaking, "Old Man, Rygar died seeking this information. We need to know what value it held to him."

The old man nodded as though he understood, "Indeed, the entrance to 'Garloz' holds significance to all who travel to 'Gran Mountain'"

"But WHY?"

"Because it is Garloz.. in Gran Mountain.."

"Old man", Icarus was getting annoyed, "Tell us what you know or your circumstances will become most dire."

The old man looked confused, "But.. I have passed my knowledge on to you. You know what you need to finish your quest. Seek the entrance to 'Garloz' in 'Gran Mountain'"

"I'm going to kill him", Icarus reached for his bow.

"Hold up", Karnov caught the angels hand, "You have to be patient with Old Man. He has dementia and is very forgetful. Old Man, do you remember Rygar coming here earlier?"

"Many adventurers seek Garloz"

"I don't think they do", Karnov held his temper with a strong will, "But I do think you were the last person that saw my friend Rygar alive. Please think hard.. what was he seeking.. and how did he meet his end?"

The old man furrowed his brow, "Ga.. Garloz.. No.. Wait a second. Gran Mountain! He wanted to get to Gran Mountain!"

Icarus whipped out his bow and loosed an arrow faster than Karnov could react. The old man let out a pitiful yelp and rolled off the pillar into the pit.

Dale, please never stop being the person you are!

That was fucking magical on so many levels.

I ... I don't even...

...

/single tear